In middle school, everything changed for me. Elementary school was fun—I enjoyed going to school and had a pretty good group of friends I hung out with. But when I got to middle school, life got tough.
In 7th grade, I was still trying to figure out where I fit in and who I fit in with. But there was one girl who didn't like me and decided that she was going to make that known. She started rumors, called me names in the hallways in front of everyone, and by the time we were half-way through the year I was on my own. No one wanted to stand up to her. So, they sided with her instead. It was a very lonely time for me. By the end of the year she eased up and moved on to someone else, but the damage was done. I so desperately wanted to fit in somewhere, I was willing to lose myself to feel accepted and loved.
So, in 8th grade, I started down a path that I thought would lead to fulfillment. At first, the drinking and dating older guys felt exciting. It continued through high school, college, and even through the first few years after I graduated. But, even though I was surrounded by people, I still felt lonely. The emptiness continued to grow as the years passed.
I always wanted to believe there was more to life than what I was experiencing. Deep down I knew that I couldn't continue the lifestyle I was living but there was a part of me that really enjoyed the "fun" I was having. I liked to party and don't think I ever turned down an invitation to go to one. Even though I longed for deeper relationships and a sense of purpose, I was afraid to let go of the very things that stood in my way.
I even went to church occasionally, but when I looked around at everyone else, I felt out of place. I always enjoyed it but didn't feel like I fit in. I remember thinking, If they only knew who I really was, they would kick me out of here in a heartbeat.And did I even want to fit in? Could God really change my heart? What did that even mean anyway?
So life continued for me as usual. Parties, broken relationships, and emptiness. Over time, I gave up on the thought that things could be different. But then God started to intervene. It didn't happen all at onceit was more like a very slow, and at times very annoying, trickle.When I was in my early 20s, I met a family that helped set my life on a very different path. They stepped into this broken girl's life and accepted me for exactly who I was at the time. No condemnation. No questions. Just love. I could freely ask the questions I struggled with about Christians and the church. I often debated and argued with them about their answers and still lived a very worldly lifestyle. But because of their grace, over time, my heart slowly started to change.
I found myself wanting to go church every week. I got involved with a women's small group and eventually, at 25, I gave my life to Christ. I wish I could say that all my old ways fell away immediately. They didn't. I still had a lot of questions and found myself falling into old habits again. But I kept going. At times it was really hard. But one of the first verses I memorized was Philippians 4:13, "I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."
Even in the beginning, I knew that I couldn't change my life in my own strength. I had to rely on the only One who could. In last week's message, Pastor Jason said, "Pursue pleasure and you won't have much purpose. Pursue purpose and you'll get pleasure as well." I am now 38, and can honestly say there is nothing that compares to the pleasure of finding my purpose in what God has for me.
When I finally decided to give my life to Christ, all the shame and guilt of my past fell away. I felt the freedom to be me for the very first time sincemiddle school. I knew that, even though I was a flawed and sinful human being, God wanted me to find fulfillment in him. I love what Philippians 3:13-14 says: "No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."
Leaving my past behind and taking a step toward God was the best decision I have ever made. Now, instead of emptiness, I feel peace. Instead of loneliness, I have deep and lasting relationships that are incredibly life-giving. And instead of feeling weighed down by guilt and shame, I feel fully alive.
So where are you on your journey? Do you feel like I did—that there is more to life than what you are experiencing now? Take it from this ex-party girl, there is. When you find the courage to take a step toward God and away from the things that stand in your way, you will be met by a grace-filled God where there is no condemnation. No questions. Just love.
