If you could have one question answered today, what would it be? Who will I marry? When will I finally get that dream job? Should I bite the bullet and go gluten free? We all have questions we want answers to, and the older I get, the bigger my questions feel as they intensely swirl and spin around in my head.
Lately, the spinning has been surrounding one main topic: kids. My husband Brian and I have been married for more than three years, and everything around us seems to be kid-centered. Updates from friends about the newest milestone in their kids' lives, the current message series on kids and parenting at church and my job writing curriculum for, you guessed it . . . kids. Kids have taken over the world. (At least according to our Facebook newsfeeds.) We don't have kids yet, but bottles, bibs and babies have been the focus of our minds and our questions these days.
When Brian and I said our "I dos," we had no idea what our future would hold. We thought we would get a puppy, buy a house and that kids would effortlessly pop into the picture. Well, we got the puppy and house, but then our plans came to a screeching halt. To make a long story short, after a year of trying to grow our family along with lots of tests and tears, we were handed a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. Now it's been another year of waiting, and we are humbly reminded of how little control we have in this area. The lack of control seems to feed the questions. Questions we never thought we'd be faced with. Questions that only God knows the answers to.
As much as we'd like to take the reins, we are trying to accept that at this time, we simply don't have answers to the questions our hearts are aching to know. Infertility is hard, it's lonely and it's exhausting. Although this trial isn't easy, our main comfort is knowing that even though we don't have many answers, God does. God's got this, and we need to follow his guidance as we attempt to navigate the murky waters of infertility. It's messy, but we're trying. Choosing to rely on God doesn't mean the questions just stop, though. Most of them are still there, but I'd love to share about one question I believe God has clearly answered for me.
Throughout this journey, I've been wrestling with how open to be about our struggle to get pregnant. How much should or shouldn't I share with that co-worker, friend or family member? I'm an introvert, so disclosing pieces of my personal life is challenging. However, I've been helped by others who have dealt with infertility simply because they chose to share their story. Through a series of what I believe to be God-directed events and conversations, I have not only felt the prompting but, more importantly, the strength to open up. Writing this for anyone to see scares me, but choosing not to write about it almost scares me more, as I feel like God has led me to this place of transparency. My question regarding whether or not to share about this battle was answered in a way that I cannot ignore, even though I've had moments when I wanted to just look past it.
What now? Another great question. Well, for Brian and me, our plan is to keep hoping in God's promises. We're going to continue trying to trust God with our whole hearts and rely on Him when it's time to figure out our steps on this narrow path. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
My plan is to remember that first and foremost, I need to seek and follow my Savior, Jesus, because when I do that, everything else seems to make a little more sense. We're still going to have questions in life; it's unavoidable. But when we do, let's make every effort to take those questions and lay them at the feet of Jesus. After all, He's already got the answers anyway.
