On an ordinary night in August 2012, my life turned upside down. That night, my dad suffered a severe stroke at the age of 56. He lost complete use of the right side of his body and lost his ability to speak. As I rode with my dad in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, I thought it was over. I thought he was gone. It was like a time lapse video of my life was going through my mind— memories with my dad, fights that we had, things I had said. All of it, suddenly, seemed like a distant memory.
In those first 24 hours, the doctors told us to prepare for the worst—that even if he did make it, what laid ahead was scary and unknown. As that first day passed, my dad became more stable. And after a few more days, he was awake but couldn’t move or speak. As any slight movement or look from my dad happened, we erupted with happiness, hoping he was on his way to a full recovery.
I remember praying for God to heal my dad. Praying that my dad would just stay alive.
And he did live. He spent months and months in therapy, working toward recovering, and he started to get better. But then it got to a place where the recovery slowed and the potential for a full recovery became less and less. To this day, my dad still struggles with speech. Most of the time, he isn’t able to put together more than a couple sentences at time. The right side of his body still isn’t fully functional. Walking is difficult and he can only use his left hand. However, he is able to drive and bike, which has been extremely life-giving for him.
But the true gift that I have been given is that he is still here. That he is able to look my daughter in the eyes and say, “Hi Rani, I love you.” That I am still able to hear him say that he is proud of me, that he believes in me.
But it’s left me with some questions. Why hasn’t God healed my dad in the way that I’ve hoped and prayed for? Why hasn’t God fully restored him? Isn’t God big enough to do this?
My dad has spent the last five years living life in a way that he never expected or thought would happen. Hours of physical therapy. Many feelings of frustration and sadness. A life where he is more dependent on people than he would like to be. A life where the skills he once had are not as strong. A life where simply communicating to the ones you love is tough.
In John 11, Jesus says, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die.”
And Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
During these years, I’ve had plenty of moments of anger where I was ready to throw in the towel. And honestly, at times I wanted to give up on God completely. But I’ve learned that when we invite God into every feeling, every hurt, every frustration, we can find healing—it just might not look how we expect it to. I’ve found a hope and life that is only found in Jesus. A hope and a promise that He steps into our lives and walks with us through it all. And I’ve learned, more than anything, that the hope we have in Jesus is far greater than the life that we live on this earth.
Will God ever fully heal my dad and restore him back to what he was before his stroke? I don’t know. I still wrestle with whether that’s a prayer worth praying. But almost every day I pray that God would use my story for His glory. Some days, that means praising God that my dad continues to live his life with such joy and love, despite his limitations. Other days, I pray that God would continue to heal my dad and my family—whether physically or healing the deep hurts and pains that have built up over the last five years. I pray that He would help us to see that this life still has so much in store for us, even if it’s not what we planned. That we can believe that the best is yet to come. That God isn’t done with us yet.
What about you? Are you trusting and hoping in God, giving all of your pain and confusion over to Him? Because the hurt that you’re feeling today? It matters to God. The sickness that just came back into your life? It matters to God. The highest mountains and lowest valleys of your life ALL matter to God. When we invite Him into that, and allow Him to use our story, I believe that lives can be changed. That people can be healed. And that hope can be found.
He is big enough. He is strong enough. And He is great enough to do all things.
